alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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