You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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