he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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