I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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