how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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