so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
