My sheets look like a crime scene.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
