Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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