Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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