when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
