Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
