i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Life is so much better after having sex.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
