ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low