Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it