What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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