Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
