i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
