Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
