____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
