My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
