our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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