why im i the only drunk person in the library?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Sober January is a disaster.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
