my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
