Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
