If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
