Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
