turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
