There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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