So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
