proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
