I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
she told me i tasted like america
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
