someone threw a dead crab at me
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
