I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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