I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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