Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
