he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
this is an emotional support booty call
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
