i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
