She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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