They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
