dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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