I faked an abortion last night.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
