Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
