just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
