The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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