Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
