I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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