I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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