It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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