Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
