I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
