you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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