I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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