So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
