You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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