I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
