My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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