don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
two words...techno handjob
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
