You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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