i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
50% drunk capacity currently
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
